Under Pressure

I am aware that the title of this post doesn’t exactly scream of positivity. Stick with me I am sure I can bring some self-deprecating humour into the mix

We were told at the beginning of the course that there would be low points, these occur at  week 5 and week 10.  I can’t recall feeling slumpy in week 5 I think my mind was too occupied with herbs and salad leaves to really think about anything else.  I have however lived up to the urban myth of the Ballymaloe blues and quite definitely have had my ten week slump.  I cried. Yes that’s right I had a right proper cry over my chopping board on Thursday.  Thankfully between my massive glasses and my massive cap you can’t really see my face so I hope I managed to keep my tears hidden, although I fear there may have been some shoulder jerking at one point.  Anyway I was promptly whisked out of the kitchen for a pep talk.  I am apparently not rubbish and I am in fact miles ahead of some but behind others. If it were me I may have stopped at the miles ahead part but I suppose honesty is the best policy and all that.  I think my tears were brought on not only by the fact I am exhausted but because I had come full circle, I had gone back to the same kitchen as I started in week 1.  Now I am not sure what I had hoped to have achieved in the 9 weeks in between but I do know that I felt an enormous amount of pressure to demonstrate that I had improved, that I was just hopping and a skipping around the kitchen with such ease that there must have been a mistake and I certainly should be wearing a green apron (teacher coloured apron) and not a mere blue one of a student.

But there it is again, pressure.  Why do we do it to ourselves? Or I should say why do I do it to myself?  Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself I can’t breathe.  It consumes me to the point that I am paralysed with fear.  I think a lot of it stems from the unknown and I suppose that’s what I am facing with two weeks to go is the fear of the unknown world that I am about to step into and it is absolutely terrifying.   I started this blog to document a journey of starting over of having a dream and going down a path to hopefully making that a reality.  I think in a way the 12 weeks, although are necessary part of the journey, have been 3 months where I knew I didn’t have to live in the reality of what next.

So this is my dilemma:

See job working in a kitchen of a great company £16,000 – £25,000 per annum

See job working 2 days a week content writing £40,000 per annum pro rata

So this is where my head is at the moment.  The first job will mean I gain experience and these 12 weeks won’t be for nothing (I am not sitting here saying my head is rational so keep your pants on).  However if I seriously take this job it will mean that I may not ever be able to afford to replenish my pant stock because I should imagine that I won’t have much change left out of £16,000.  And it will it move me any closer to setting up my own business?  Will I even have time to think about it.  Let’s be honest you may never see me again.  However.  It’s there like a big fat carrot dangling in the face of my future.

Second job means dusting off my CV and putting myself out there.  The thought of freelancing my Creative Director ways is sometimes more terrifying than the thought of earning less than when I was 20.  However working 2 days a week will mean a £ and £ will mean more time and focus I can put into the doing rather than the thinking of Kitchen & Soul.   Magic wand would  be nice right about now.

I actually can’t tell you how frustrated / nervous / scared I am at the moment.  All the start-up books I have ever read are reeling over and over in my mind.   I think I may be arriving at what we can call the crunch point.  Yep it’s there flashing neon on the horizon.  I know it, you know it. My next will one of the most important moves that I make for the future of Kitchen& Soul.

So I am going to put it out there.  Crunch or not to crunch what would you do?

Yes I know I have digressed away from the 1o week slump, my tears and quite frankly feeling very sorry for myself.  I mean it’s probably not what you want to read on a Sunday night.

Shall we get on with the jolly bits?

  1. Christmas came to Ballymaloe it mainly consisted of cakes and novelty aprons.  There was mulled wine.  First one of the season.  And so we’re off
  2. We had an olive oil tasting.  Not really sure what else to say on that other than it was very informative if not made me feel a little queasy.  Not spit buckets. Olive oil isn’t really for drinking
  3. Took a road trip to Cork and had the opportunity to buy a coffee from a shop it really was the high point of my week
  4. Oh and maybe adding copious amounts of the brandy cream meant for the mince pies into coffee at the 11 o’clock Wednesday break. That was quite fun
  5. I had a washing error.  All white items are now tinged with a hint of  blue. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Communal washing. NEVER AGAIN
  6. The exam dinner menus were handed in on Thursday.  There was a collective sign of relief then it was on with study panic
  7. On that note.  I really need to on top of my Chablis and Chenin Blanc and no sadly that doesn’t mean I’m off for a glass of wine it means that I need to know that Chablis is 100% chardonnay and Chenin Blanc hails from the Loire Valley
  8. Yes I am aware that no one likes a show off

Wish me luck 100 wine questions are coming my way on Wednesday

LifeNadra Shah